You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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