I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
