I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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