I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
