I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
