with your own penis?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
