pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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