Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
