I faked an abortion last night.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
