i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
