Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
