The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
