I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
