you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
