did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
