We named our party play list daddy issues
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
