So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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