I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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