hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
