I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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