you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
last night I used snow as a chaser
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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