so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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