I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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