Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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