genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
