The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In other news, I just burned my penis
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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