She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
