I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
