My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
