So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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