Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
