a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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