i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
