Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
