Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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