I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
