I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You are a genius and a whore.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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