I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
