Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
