how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
