I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
