Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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