i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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