According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
