I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
