I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
