sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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