Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
