my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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