Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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