i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
