I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
