I must be too annoying 4 u.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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