Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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