so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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